


The things I want to say...

by RavenAurelieChoiseau



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Forbidden, Forbidden Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Secret Crush, Soul vomit, Why Did I Write This?, Words I wish I could say, deeply personal, musings, true story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 16:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18077105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenAurelieChoiseau/pseuds/RavenAurelieChoiseau
Summary: I have a crush. The words, the thoughts I wish I could share with him.





	The things I want to say...

**Author's Note:**

> You're my worst kept secret.

I find myself missing you. Thinking about you. More than I dare. More than I should.  
I still don’t know what you smell like. I don’t allow myself to get that close.  
But I want to.  
I want to so desperately. I want to find that spot behind your ear you’re always rubbing… press my nose into the soft skin.  
Inhale you.

If I had you like that, at my mercy…. I’d slip my hand beneath your sweater. Walk my fingers up the concave hollow of your spine and gently let my warm mouth wander up the cord of your neck.  
Slow.  
Deliberate.  
I’d move higher and higher until I perceived your heart lurching in your chest.    
I’d make you beg for my lips. Or perhaps it’d be me begging for yours?  
_Kiss me. Please, just kiss me._

Jesus Christ. I’m gone for you.  
It happened so quickly. So unexpectedly.  
I try to pinpoint the exact moment one glance from you first caused my cheeks to flush. I don’t remember.  
And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.

I’m gone for you.

Maybe it’s the way you never look me in the eyes for more than a second.  
Maybe it’s the heat from your hand burning into my skin when you accidentally graze the fleshy part of my palm.  
Maybe it’s the fact you only speak to _me_.  
You only go to coffee with _me_.  
The one time you eat lunch with someone, it’s with _me_.  
I’m absent one day, just one, and you send me a message saying there’s no one to talk to if I’m not around.  
  
Maybe it’s because I can’t have you that I want you so.

I wonder. When the sun sets and darkness crawls in and my mind starts to whirl... I wonder what opened your heart just enough for me to slip in.  
_I think I’m falling for you._  
The words are difficult to utter. We dance around them with careful steps, like ballerinas trying not to trip.  
_I think about you when you’re not near._  
Don’t hate me for feeling this way. I can’t help it.

You’re France. That’s it. That’s perfect.  
You’re Paris on a rainy autumn day.  
Quiet.  
Mysterious.  
Romantic.  
Your eyes are leaves that are just starting to turn. Olive green with amber speckles.  
Eyes that beckon you to take a second look. Explore further. Shy away only to steal another moment.

Something tells me this color shouldn’t exist in nature and yet it does.   
  
You’re France.  
You smoke cigarettes like you’re angry. Your dark brow furrows when you inhale, the smoke billowing into a  
soft cloud in front of your face. It reminds me of actors in black and white films. You know the ones... we both love them so much.  
  
You read French erotica from the turn of the century but listen to music that came out last week.  
You smile when you shouldn’t and it’s so disarmingly endearing that sometimes I forget to breathe.

I wonder… I wonder if all the times we’re alone in the lift you think about it, too? The prohibition of a touch. What that would mean.   
Is that why you move to the left? Always to the left? Leaving me standing in the middle?

I still don’t know what you smell like. I don’t allow myself to get that close.  
But I want to.  
I want to grip your waist like I’m stopping you from falling. Kiss the pulsing hollow at the base of your throat and make your blood rush with unbidden memories.  
I want to claim the fullness of your upper lip.  
I want to melt into you with a dreamy intimacy and savage hunger.

Maybe it’s best I can’t have you. If I did, I just might never let you go. 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if I'm late on updating. (Not that I think many of you will read this, but for those who do... I'm sorry). I'm just a little emotional of late.  
> But I will try. I'm forcing myself to write again.


End file.
